12.31.20

It’s been 365 days of this year. I don’t remember all of it, but when i close my eyes i can feel everything that happened, the energy in my body, the swift swirling movements of my soul, being in my brothers arms, falling in love, slowly, surely, so easily. Tasting Kim’s. Flying for the first time this year, wrapping my head in a scarf in the airport. I remember all of those moments, the times when i felt alive and seen and loved and scared. Watching I May Destroy You. Starting therapy and doing trauma work. Getting to know Robert and the Kesslers. Getting to know Midnight. Getting to know myself.

I’ve learned how to do French braids and how to pluck my eyebrows (kind of) I’ve taught myself how to write every day and to make something out of nothing. A beautiful alchemic dance. I’ve cried and laughed harder than any year before. I bathed in salt water and let my ice-burgs, years of shields, melt away.

I discovered dandy blend, had prophetic dreams, felt my child nearer. I painted and spent time in the desert, in the mountains and in the ocean. I surfed for the first time ever, swallowed whole waves that left me seasick for half a day. I ran longer and faster and harder. I wrote. I remembered. I accessed my heart and let her lead the way. This year has been full of ups and downs and twists and turns and sometimes nothing, so much nothing that it felt like the Earth was flat-lining, when in fact everything around me was being reborn, including myself.

I am so grateful for this year. For everything I had before this year, and everything I will hope for after. Something magical is happening now, in this moment in time. I don’t know what it is, but I’ve gotten pretty good at surrendering to the unknown. After the plague comes the renaissance. The renaissance my friend, is here. We are living in it. Like the fish who searches for the ocean all his life. Here we are, in the renaissance. Isn’t it beautiful?